Mother, father, son, daughter, lover, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, partner, paramour- these are the one word descriptions that tell the story of our lives.
When we come together as family, friends, lovers we become more than the sum of our parts. These social connections, bonds are the reason we are the most successful species on the planet b/c we are the most social, it’s why each of us is inextricably bound to each other. When these bonds disappear we suffer, when they are strong we’re happy, threatened we’re worried.
This journey we must take because our happiness is in each others hands.
It’s a desire we all share. But we don’t always get what we want. We are fickle, what brings us joy one day brings us pain the next. We are addicted to this and that and this and that looking for our next high, whatever wakes us up.
We just want more pleasure than pain, more joy than sorry. And science actually says success to this is right in front of us – our social relationships… successful relationships are the key to happiness – that’s a fact.
Friends: Without them we’d be dead… safety, loyalty, a fundamental honesty, willingness to go the distance, things that are hard to hear, things that are necessary to hear… Money/work – a little less so, I can do what I want but I am desperately lonely.
Friendship is important. But if you actually look out there – there is so much isolation. Lonely within a crowd. Scientist call it chronic loneliness … loneliness leads to heart disease, dementia, etc… its bad for your health.
The need for companionship is crucial like food and water. It’s a signal like hunger, thirst and pain, something critical for your survival is missing. In order for this to work we must learn cooperation – in order for that to work we must be able to tell what others need and want. If we cant tell how someone feels we cant move forward.
Everything in this world is the product of human beings who came together to create something better than they could do alone.
If social relationships are the key to our survival, then romantic love is the most essential, it furthers human evolution.
Meeting, flirt date and maybe even get married – falling in love is easy, staying in love takes work. Passion into partnership.
Why does any relationship succeed or fail? Communication – how well do you speak. Stress. – many jump ship to at the first sign of conflict.
We are asking these people to meet us on 25 different levels of wow-ness: Not enough for a decent relationship: your best friend, your only romantic partner, a co-parent, a vice president, they must inspire you every day, someone who helps your career… a giant sack of expectation that we keep piling high on a very unstable base.
4 years after getting married only 10 percent are as happy as year one, 90 percent are not. 20, 30 years later it continue to goes down. We marry impulsive… we can divorce very thoughtfully.
Key question on human intimacy is: Why do intimate relationships change? How is it that they change? How do we start with such high hopes and expectations and those expectations are dashed so easily?
Must love be this hard? In every other species, females really take a lot of responsibility when choosing sex, it’s a much bigger investment because they must carry, raise, and nurture the young.
So we know why they end but why do they last? The fact is if we can’t trust the other person how can we stay with them. Can we trust ourselves.
Emotions are never right or wrong, they are always right, is how I feel. What we can do is respect them. We don’t have to agree but we can respect them.
Had I known the answers to these questions I would have never needed to write this post.