Even the thought of Full Time employment makes me sick, like that can even begin to Fill me. It’s insulting. That I don’t need anything else because I’m full. Am I? Who is actually full, satisfied, content? Is that all it takes- 40 hours? 40 hours every week, and we are filled, and then we decompress in a day, maybe two, we are emptied out, we lose our fullness, in bars and clubs, night life, catching up to the most recent episode, & have to do it all over again… We have to go get full all over again.
What are we full of? What is filling you? What is it supposed to feel like?
Is there so much of it that it’s bursting to the seems, overflowing; does it feel good, does it hurt?
FULL l adjective:
– Completely filled; containing all that can be held. Filled to utmost capacity. A full cup.
Wow. All that in 40 hours of task based assignments. Is that all it is?
i don’t know. I just very much do not like the word. The word, in this context makes me sick. It tastes like a lie and i keep throwing it up.
I am not full and I keep wondering what will fill me?
So I try things: I drink to being full… I throw that up.
I eat to eat, to be full, to fill time, to not be empty…. I throw that up.
I get high… I always come down.
I’ve tried everything, her hands, their needles, his pills, everything they said I should do, I did. I read every book, listened to every sermon, and I kept checking my phone over and over and over again – it’s full, I’m not.
I do yoga, go on hikes, walk the dog, watch the movies, put the toilet seat up and then down, believe in outside forces, all these things I can sink my teeth into… it’s good for a while and then it leaves, a void, an emptiness os large it’s beginning to swallow me.
& then I sit down.
Thirsty, empty, tired, I just sit still…
I watch the world continue to move. Everyone is going somewhere, even they’ve arrived they want to be somewhere.
I watch a flower perfectly still and simultaneously full of life. Perfectly full.
I sit there silently allowing myself to be filled by what is actually here. In this moment, with all this right here, right now, my urges are fulfilled, my hungers are fulfilled, my thirst is quenched.
I am sitting. Full.
Stillness is the fullness of life.
Fill me gods so that I may be still.