Always Fighting My Need For Perfection
“God is in the details” – Mies van der Rohe
I’ve always been fighting my need for perfection, always believed I needed to be more than what I am. It was a lack of trust in myself that I was enough. So I worked in extremes, A to Z, and lost the middle.
But it’s the little things, the details, the shades in between; it’s here in the middle where everything lies. The place where our TRUE selves can shine.
One of the greatest, most confusing (at the time) acting notes I ever received was, “Be more ugly”. And so I gave it another go, and quickly heard, “More ugly”, and again, “More ugly… I’m not talking about your acting. You, Christopher Rivas, be more ugly.”
I don’t always need to be charming, make people smile, be in a good mood, say “yes” when I really wish i would have said “no”.
I was either: A – Charming and in great spirits. Or, Z– the moment when all my real feeling, which I bottled up and shoved away into the darkest corners of me would explode out in something horrible and painful.
I never lived in the middle, I never trusted that i was enough, so I never dealt with how I felt until it was too late.
I’ve learned to embrace who I am, and more importantly how I feel, and what I need. I’ve lost “friends” who didn’t know or care to discover the real me, and I’ve gained True, Meaningful, unconditional friendships with nothing behind it but love.
Live in that middle. In the details. Find freedom in knowing that a “no” to someone else can be a “yes” to yourself. Know that you are enough, no more, no less; Bring yourself and we can ask for nothing more.
“Consider yourself a radio station. Play your jams, not another station, and don’t let anyone steal your airwaves either.” -Amita Schmidt (IMS Instructor)
Peace and Blessings